What it Really Means for Husbands to Love their Wives

“[25] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; [26] That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, [27] That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. [28] So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. [29] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” - Ephesians 5:25-29 

Ephesians 5:21-33 is one of the go-to passages for modeling a Christ-like marriage, and while many people get tripped up and focus on verses 22-24, verses 25-29 concerning the husband’s responsibility in marriage are often ignored. While people bicker and argue about what it means for a wife to submit to her husband (see last week’s email for more on that), husbands should concern themselves more with their role from Christ.

When talking about Godly marriages, we can’t just jump straight to this passage. We need to first recognize who we are in Christ as members of His Body (Eph 2:8-10) and how we should walk because of our identity in Christ (Eph 4:1, 5:2, 5:8, 5:15). This requires someone to read the previous five chapters of Ephesians and not to pluck these verses out of their context. The point of this passage is about Christians submitting to Christ out of love and grace, and then applying that to different institutions and roles.

To understand the role of a husband in marriage, it is essential that we first define what a husband is according to the Bible:

Husband – A farmer, cultivator, tiller of the ground, laborer, and manager.

While it also is a man joined to a woman by marriage, the deeper meaning of the word helps add depth to the role of a husband in marriage. To be an effective farmer of spiritual fruit, a good husband must sow according to their identity and position in Christ (1Co 3:7-11, 2Co 5:9-11, 2Ti 2:6). It requires hard labor, leadership, and knowledge of the truth.

As stated in Ephesians 5, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. To understand this passage, we must first understand how Christ loved the church. According to Romans 5:8:

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” - Romans 5:8

What does it mean then, for husbands to love their wives?

It sure doesn’t mean “happy wife, happy life.” For husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, they must lay a foundation according to the truth so that the family can grow up in Christ (1Co 13:4-7). Loving your wife isn’t giving her everything she wants, but rather, leading her in a relationship so that she can get everything she needs from Christ. For a husband to love his wife, he must first love God more than her, so that he can love his wife rightly (2Co 5:14-15). 

The husband’s spiritual disposition towards his wife should be sacrificial, bearing the burdens of the flesh to edify his wife. Christ gave himself for the church to sanctify it (set it apart) and present it holy. Husbands, likewise, should give themselves to God for their wives so that they can grow in Christ (Eph 1:4, 4:15).

Christ’s pattern in servant leadership. Husbands, as the head of the wife in marriage, bear that responsibility to love and lead first, regardless of the wife’s behavior. Our position and love from Christ in His body are not based on performance. Neither is the husband’s love for his wife; it’s unconditional and seeks her spiritual benefit (1Co 13:4-7).

As Ephesians 5:29 states, the pattern for husbands is to nourish and cherish their wives (spiritually) to cultivate spiritual fruit in their marriage, just as Christ nourishes and cherishes the church (Col 2:19).

The will of God for marriage is that two would become one, embodying the relationship of Christ and the church (the mystery of Christ). While the spiritual increase comes from God, the husband is responsible for directing and cultivating an environment for the spiritual growth of the wife and family as a whole (Gal 5:22-23).

When husbands don’t love their wives according to God’s will, they get bitter, sharp, and hurtful towards their wives, as a result of an unforgiving heart (Col 3:19, Eph 4:31-32). Just as Adam blamed Eve in the garden, men revert back to pointing the finger at the wife when things go wrong.

When a football team loses, you don’t blame the fullback, you blame the quarterback. Where there is a lack of spiritual leadership and love from husbands, there is dysfunction in families and marriages. God is not mocked, you will reap what you sow. Husbands should stop blaming their wives, and take ownership of the role Christ gave them (Gal 6:7-8). The church needs more godly men willing to take responsibility for their marriages and families.

While it is ungodly for women to usurp the headship of the husband, it is also ungodly for husbands to fail to love according to God’s will for the church. Compromises on either end lead to a headless body with no direction or a two-headed monster that will devour itself.

The faults of husbands and wives trace back to the garden. Through the wife’s godly submission and the husband’s leadership and love, a unity of purpose, heart, will, and body are created resulting in life and joy in Christ. Marriage is an incredible institution to foster spiritual growth and should be the first priority after your own spiritual growth.