What it Really Means for Wives to Submit to their Husbands

“[21] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. [22] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. [24] Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” - Ephesians 5:21-24

Ephesians 5:21-33 is one of the go-to passages for modeling a Christ-like marriage, but many Christians get tripped up when they reach verses 22-24. What typically happens is that men who want to be dictators over their wives see these verses as justification to subjugate their wives. On the flip side of that, some women don’t want to be under anyone or anything so they redefine the word “submit” into something it’s not or disregard the verse entirely.

Unfortunately, both of those understandings are completely wrong and are ultimately rooted in people trying to justify their own actions by handling the word of God deceitfully (2Co 4:2). The misapplications and misuses of this passage are always a result of not understanding what has just been discussed for five chapters. The real issue is not the marriage or the “other person,” but you individually in Christ. 

When talking about Godly marriages, we can’t just jump straight to this passage. We need to first recognize who we are in Christ as members of His Body (Eph 2:8-10) and how we should walk because of our identity in Christ (Eph 4:1, 5:2, 5:8, 5:15). This requires someone to read the previous five chapters of Ephesians and not to pluck these verses out of their context. The point of this passage is about Christians submitting to Christ out of love and grace, and then applying that to different institutions and roles.

Before diving in to hopefully clarify this passage, let’s first understand the definition of submit:

Submit – To yield, to obey, to resign, or surrender to the power, will, or authority of another. To be subject to. (Psa 18:44, Eph 5:24)

First, as Ephesians 5:21 states, Christians are to submit to one another in the fear of God. We should esteem others greater than ourselves, and to do this, we need to put on the mind of Christ (Php 2:1-10).

Next, notice that the instruction is addressed to wives: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” What this verse doesn’t say is that husbands need to subjugate their wives and make them submit. It’s a willing submission by the wife, to the husband, for Christ’s sake.

While that clarifies the faulty, misogynistic perspective stated earlier, it by no means lessens the instruction to wives. The truth is that women, walking in their flesh, do not want to submit because they want to be in control and exert their will over their husbands. The same would be true for men had God reversed the roles. This is true for all of us before God as we constantly want to do our will rather than His (Rom 3:10-18).

Submission happens all the time in our lives: we submit ourselves to instruction from teachers in the classroom, we submit to our bosses at work, and submit to the laws in our government. Yet, when it comes to wives submitting to their husbands, the closest person in their life, people make excuses on why this can’t be correct.

People submit themselves all the time out of fear of consequence or the desire of a benefit; few things are better than the benefit of a properly functioning marriage which God promises if we would just listen to Him.

Why submit?

This is a fundamental question that needs to be asked, and if answered properly, creates the right orientation around godly submission in the first place. First and foremost, God instructs it. The creator of us and the universe, our savior, knows better than us and tells us to, which should be enough.

Secondly, Christ is the head of the church (1Co 11:3, Eph 1:22-23, 4:15, Col 1:18, 2:18-19) and the pattern for marriage emulates that relationship between us and Christ. By submitting to the husband, the wife patterns after Christ in that He humbled Himself to take the form of a man, dying the death we deserve and was exalted and glorified (Php 2:1-10). In godly submission, the wife is thus cherished, honored, and glorious by a loving husband (Eph 5:25-29).

Thirdly, marriage is the joining of two individuals. It is not supposed to be tallying up wins and losses in a constant power struggle or cage match. When two become one, and the two wills are at odds, one must yield or else marriage becomes nothing more than roommates with separate lives.

Consider marriage as a committee. When married, the husband and wife are the only members of this committee. Most of the time, the committee agrees and collaboratively decides with the will of God in mind. On the rare occurrences when they disagree, barring the husband’s decision isn’t sinful, God has designed the wife to yield to the husband as the committee’s head.

How to submit?

Continuing with Ephesians 5:22, the submission of the wife is “as unto the Lord.” How do we all submit to Christ? By grace through faith in Christ, walking in love because he first loved us. It is not by law or force that we submit to Christ as Christians, it’s a choice that should be made. The same goes for wives and husbands.

This submission is not passive, inactive, or ignorant, but according to the vocation in Christ we all have as members of the Body of Christ (Eph 4:1-5:21). Husbands are the head of the wife, they are not God over them. Christ is the head over all and any submission must be done after the wife submits to the will of God (Col 3:18). It’s not a blind following of whatever the husband wants, but rather a collaborative effort around God’s truth and love that drives the family.

Submitting to the husband is helping him grow into everything that God intended him to be in Christ. Marriage isn’t about what you get, it’s about what you can give. It’s an illustration of the mystery of Christ, Christ and the Church. It’s an opportunity for each person to see the grace of God effectually work in the other (Php 2:1-10, 1Co 13:4-8).

Where there is a lack of godly submission and reverence from the wife, bitterness and discontent will abound. Where there is a lack of godly love and leadership from the husband, bondage, insecurity, disorder, and anger abound (a lot more on that in next week’s article).

The faults of husbands and wives trace back to the garden. Through the wife’s godly submission and the husband’s leadership and love, a unity of purpose, heart, will, and body are created resulting in life and joy in Christ. Marriage is an incredible institution to foster spiritual growth and should be the first priority in your ministry after your own spiritual growth.