How to Identify an Unforgiving Heart and How to Fix It
It is easy to spot someone who hasn’t forgiven someone else. While they may tell you plainly that they haven’t, Ephesians 4:31 gives us insight into what behavior an unforgiving heart produces:
Bitterness – enmity, a grudge, hatred, sharpness, severity of temper, biting sarcasm. This defiles you and those around you (Heb 12:15) and is a definite indicator of an unforgiving heart.
Anger – A violent passion of the mind (upset or displeased) excited by a real or supposed injury/wrong. Usually accompanied by a propensity to take vengeance, or to obtain satisfaction from the offending party.
Wrath – The effects of anger. The just punishment of an offense or crime. We are unjust judges, so we can let God concern Himself with delivering wrath. (Rom 12:19-21)
Clamor - A great outcry, loud noise, made by a human voice expressing a complaint or an urgent demand. If you find yourself complaining, chances are there’s some unforgiveness in you.
Evil Speaking – Things spoken having bad qualities of a moral kind; wicked; corrupt; perverse; wrong. This includes murmurings (complaints), disputing (arguments), tattling (gossip), backbiting (gossip/slander), lying, and more! (Php 2:14, Titus 3:2, 1Ti 5:13)
Malice – Extreme enmity of heart/malevolence; a disposition to injure without cause, from personal gratification or from a spirit of revenge; unprovoked malignity or spite.
While you may think that not forgiving someone or holding a grudge harms someone else (which it does), ultimately, when you don’t forgive it harms you even more. It creates a callous, bitter, angry, nasty person that feels that they’re always right and everybody else is wrong.
It creates a victim mentality.
How do we deal with unforgiveness in our lives, when sometimes we’ve been extremely hurt by others and it seems impossible to forgive? The answer lies in Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:12-13.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:32
“[12] Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; [13] Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” – Colossians 3:12-13
When we were enemies of God, Christ died for us. He loved us even when we hated him (Rom 5:8-10). A perfect, righteous God bore our burden on the cross and died the death we deserved so that we could have forgiveness and life.
Who are we to not forgive someone? We are utterly sinful and wicked in our hearts. The only worth we have is the worth that Christ gives us. When we start to look in the mirror and recognize our own depravity that Christ has saved us from, when we don’t deserve it, the easier it becomes to forgive someone.
Holding something over someone is not forgiveness, but forgiveness is also not forgetting. Christ didn’t forget our sin, he forgave and paid for it with his own blood. Forgiveness bears the burden and takes the transgression out of the way so that you can move forward and maintain a relationship (Col 1:14, 2:13-14, 3:13).
Christ was made a curse for you and paid your immeasurable sin debt to have a relationship with you. I pray this week you would recognize the freedom in forgiveness and how small and worthless your grudges are in light of a perfect God who forgave you. You don’t have to hold on to the heavy weights of bitterness which bring you down.
